Ramblings

 From time to time, I get an image in my head that may eventually lead to a story.  This seemed like as good of a place as any to jot them down.

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Two men in black suits and sunglasses meet in an empty parking garage.  They stand beside the tinted windows of their black SUV's.    Their cronies line the concrete surrounding the vehicles, guns poised and trigger fingers ready.

With no more than the slightest of nods, one of the men alerts the other to open the trunk.  The quacking sound of an electronic key breaks the stagnant silence.  Almost, three of the greener thugs are jolted into firing.  Almost, but not quite.

As the trunk slowly swings open, no one blinks or breaths.

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The Rabbit

Dining on daisies,
Scampering through weeds.
Hopping past tree trunks,
Concealed by the reeds.

At first glance,
You might believe
That the life of a rabbit
Is based completely on habit.

Then, out of the sky
A black spot does appear.
Before the bunny can move,
A claw is gouged into its rear.

The Hawk

Feasting on fricassee,
Soaring before the storm,
Diving deep into the meadow,
Always in perfect form.

At first glance,
You might believe
That the life of a hawk
Is only kill and stalk.

You're probably right!
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The Lily
Lily, oh lily, so vibrantly bright,
Just like a spaceship,
About to take flight.

The carnations get lost
In your hot pink glitter.
The roses, high cost,
Seem boring and bitter.
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The Rain
The rain makes me remember,
A long ago September.

We met in the back row,
So nobody would know.

A murmur, a kiss,
A proposal, a hiss.

What would have happened if I'd said yes?

If I met you today,
All I would say,
Is, "I wonder with the rain."
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The Test
In twenty words or less,
I will pass the test.
The question: Why?
The answer: Because.
See, told you so!
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10/20

This is how much we love our cats.  I feed them "feasts" of beef, turkey, and chicken everyday, four, five, and even six times some days.  I clean their litter boxes everyday, sometimes twice a day.  I hairball the fat one like she is getting "the full package" at a day spa twice a week, and my husband makes room for the little one on his lap, even if it means gimping his arms while he types on the laptop.  In comparison, we eat cereal for most meals because it is cheap and, well, cheap.  I clean our toilet twice a month.  I go to the salon twice a year, and only for basic dyes and cuts.  And I have never had my husband make room for me on his lap while he is trying to type an e-mail! 
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1/10

I always wanted a fat cat.  When I was a little girl, I pictured holding a fluffy white ball of fur on my lap, with a wispy tail and a little pink nose.  I never imagined owning a massive mound of matted black fur with a constantly whacking tail, and a milk-splashed mark on her face.  In fact, my cat Kia is so far from ordinary, that I felt the urge to share a couple of her unique characteristics with you. 

For example, she has perfected the art of the flop.  I am sure many cats perform this feat, but few with the same non-grace as my Kia.  Forget sticking your butt in the air and falling to the side.  Kia simply takes a few steps away from you, and falls over like a dead dog.  However, that evil tail never stops whacking, ruining the ruse.  The reason she flops is also quite unique: she wants her belly scratched.  I'm not talking softly massaged, or gently rubbed; I mean scratched like the stomach of full-grown golden retriever.  She also likes her nose, chin, and butt scratched.  I have autoimmune problems that affect my joints, and am told to 'move it, or lose it,' so often scratch Kia's fat head to help all of my fingers stretch out each morning. 

It is also important to note that Kia's belly and butt are far beyond anything most cats could ever dream of attaining in both girth, and tangles.  Saying that she is a big girl would be the understatement of the year.  However, she is comfortable with her heaviness, and waddles her way around the condo,  ready to jump at every shadow.  She also enjoys being groomed.  She actually waits on the bar table in the kitchen each morning for me to come and pick, or cut the knots out of her fur.  Most cats would run when you pull out the scissors, but not my Kia!  She starts purring like I just pulled out a lobster dinner!

But when it comes to everyday life, Kia is the quintessential scaredy-cat.  While her sister attacks bugs, Kia paws them once, then runs away when her love tap fails to kill them.  If she is sleeping by your feet, and your, or anything else in the room, moves, she is gone like Jumping Jack Flash.  I have even seen her jump three feet in the air from something as simple as a watch's glare on the wall.

All of these traits may seem unappealing, or downright negative to most people.  But to me, they are all part of the Kia I have grown to love.  As I write this now, her snoring is keeping me company.  I still have a couple hairs irritating my eyes from when I buried my face in her fur this morning.  All these things are just reminders of the cat who has my heart, Kia.
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4/16

Everything King Midas touched turned to gold.  But have you ever heard the tale of King Minus?  Everything that he touched turned to shit.

It all started on the morning of the Bicentennial Banquet.   King Minus was in the royal garden inspecting the perfectly pruned royal rose bushes.  "They look like shit," he mused, just loud enough for the workers, who were sweating profusely, to hear.

When he got to the central fountain, its just-polished marble glinting in the sunlight, the hard-to-please King had the same response.  "It looks like shit!" he hollered to the exhausted polishers.  

The King then moved on to the Royal Banquet Hall, where servants were busy polishing forks and spoons.  The King picked up a utensil from the completed pile, held it up to the candlelight, then tossed it back down.  "It looks like shit!" he mused nonchalantly, turning towards the kitchen.

Every spit on every fireplace had a different meat spinning, while cooks frantically basted, and kept the coals at the perfect height.  After walking through the hectic room, the King stopped before the doorway, to declare loudly, "It all looks, and smells like shit!"

Tired from all of his criticizing, the king headed to the royal boudoir to take a nap before the party.

Meanwhile, the servants of the castle finished their chores, all the while reeling from the kings constant complaints.  All of them secretly wished for a way to make the King stop being so critical.

A fairy-witch just happened to be passing my the royal gardens when she heard the head groundskeeper fretting with his workers.  "I will help you," she said as she flew off to the tower, and into the kings bedroom window.  With the wave of her wand, and a sprinkling of glitter, the spell was cast.  Now the king would learn what shit really was!

When he woke up, the sun had already set and guests were beginning to pour into the castle.  The king got out of bed, and was dressed in his best regalia by a dozen servants, all the while never touching anything. . . until one of them handed him his royal scepter.  The instant the solid gold staff skimmed his fingertips, it turned into a stinky pile of shit.  The king turned bright red, as the servants stared in disbelief. 

"Shit!" the King yelled, sending a wave of servants from the hallway rushing into the room.  One of them accidentally stepped on the pile of poo that had been the scepter, sending the King into a fury.  "Get off of my scepter!" he raged charging at the unsuspecting man.  As his hands came in contact with the man's chest, he too turned into shit.  "Shit!" Everyone yelled together, trying to get as far away from the king as possible. 

Left alone in his room, the king stared down at his poop-stained hands, and then at the stinky pile on the floor.  What in the world could be going on? he wondered.

Just then, his royal adviser shuffled in.  "Your guests are waiting, your Highness," he intoned, looking quizzically at the pile of poo on the floor.  "Did the maids forget to change your bed pan, sire?"

"Everything I touch is turning to shit!" King Minus cried, rushing towards his long-time friend with his hands outstretched.

"Well, don't touch me!" the adviser advised, ducking under the kings arm just in time to avoid catastrophe.  "You must have been dreaming, sire.  I will send to have this mess taken care off.  Lets get your hands washed so you don't keep the nobles waiting."

The adviser realized the King was not lying the instant he dropped the bar of soap into his hands.  It turned from an ivory rectangle, to a squishy mound of shit.  Afraid for his life, the adviser took off as fast as his ancient legs would take him.  Enraged, the King chased after, his years of sitting on the throne making a speedy pursuit impossible.

Through the hall they raced at a turtle's pace, the adviser limping his way along while the King stumbled after.

Down the stairs, and through the hall, right into the banquet room the duo ran.  Silence overtook the party as the King, with shit stained hands, chased the elderly man right past the line of guests, and out into the garden.

Out of breath and near collapsing, the King fell onto a bench.  Tears stained his cheeks, but he was too afraid of turning to shit to wipe them away.  Suddenly, a flurry of sparkles appeared beside him.  It was the fairy-witch!

"You look like shit!" she yelled, waving her wand to remove the spell.

Never again did King Minus tell his servants their work looked like shit.  Instead, he started telling them all how bad they sucked!

The End
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5/19

I hate pensions.  They are the thing that my generation is footing the entire bill for, but will never have the benefits from when we retire.